Unfortunately, it happens to the best of us: We ask a question because we want to get to know our student a bit better and, as it turns out, the question is too personal ... and now our student thinks we’re total creeps.

This is something we need to be especially careful of when teaching Japanese students, who are more wary of people they meet online. For many of them, even harmless questions like “What job do you do?” and “What city do you live in?” can seem intrusive. After all, they don’t know that we’re just trying to get to know them.

Foreign language students often do not know how to express their feelings of discomfort, which makes it very hard for us tutors to know when we’ve overstepped boundaries … until we get a complaint. 😱

So how can we ensure that we aren’t coming off as creeps?

Tip #1: Follow the Student’s Request

Often, the easiest way to avoid offending a student is to follow their request. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. Here are some examples of complaints we’ve received in this category:

"I ended the lesson early because I got tired and felt uncomfortable that the tutor was asking me about private matters. Though I chose a Discussion lesson, she made it a 15-minute free conversation"

"The tutor asked me private questions about my job even though I requested to have a conversation about Christmas. It was really unpleasant. And I wanted her to follow my request."

In these examples, the tutors not only asked questions that made the student feel uneasy; they also didn’t follow the students’ requests.

The tutor in the second complaint may have seen a clear connection between Christmas and the student’s job. The conversation may have gone like this:

Tutor: What are you doing on Christmas?
Student: I’m working.
Tutor: What’s your job?
Student: I … uh … work in a bank.
Tutor: (not realizing the student’s hesitation) What do you do in the bank?

To us, these seem like harmless questions. And maybe the tutor has an aunt who works in a bank and wanted to establish rapport that way. But the student found it intrusive.

So, let’s not be too creative about interpreting a student’s request. If a student says they want a discussion or a conversation on Christmas, let’s not stray too far off topic.

Tip #2: Don’t Question the Student’s Life Choices

We may not understand why someone is the way they are, and we may want to make some suggestions because we care about them. But as online tutors, it’s not our business to do that. In fact, doing so may even lead to complaints … like this one:

“The tutor asked me questions that she shouldn't have. For example, 'why do you not have a child yet, even though you are 31 years old already?! I think there was a problem with the way she was asking me such questions. It made me feel bad. Terrible."

The moment we’re tempted to ask someone, “Why don’t/didn’t you …?”, we should reconsider. After all, we don’t know what happened in someone’s life.

Maybe the student did try to have children but had a miscarriage. Or maybe they simply don't believe in having kids, in which case this question is quite similar to asking a vegetarian why they do not want to go to a steakhouse.

At any rate, we don’t know what happened in the students’ lives, so instead of questioning their choices, it’s better to respect them. For example, instead of asking, “Why do you not have a child yet?”, the tutor above could have said something like, “There are advantages and disadvantages to having kids. It’s your decision and I respect that.”

And maybe the student would have then felt comfortable explaining why they didn’t have kids. Either way, it’s safer to show respect for students’ choices instead of directly questioning them because hey, who likes being told how to live their life, right?

Tip #3: Make Your Questions General

At this point, you may be thinking, “Online tutoring seems a lot like walking on eggshells!” 😰 And we agree! We also wish students weren’t so suspicious of us, tutors.

Luckily, there are ways around this dilemma; they'll just take some practice. In the Christmas example, the tutor could have asked questions about the student’s job, but made sure they were general and still on-topic. Let’s try that conversation again:

Tutor: What are you doing on Christmas?
Student: I’m working.
Tutor: What’s your job?
Tutor: Does your office do anything to celebrate Christmas?

Or better yet, the tutor could have asked about working on Christmas in general:

Tutor: I see. Do Japanese people work on Christmas?
Student: Yes, Christmas is not a public holiday.
Tutor: Oh I see! Then do people celebrate at work or do anything special?
Student: Well, people like to spend Christmas Eve with their lovers. At my office, single people have a party on Christmas Eve.

And who knows? Maybe during the course of the conversation, the student would have revealed their occupation. But it’s important to let the student make that choice themselves.

And also, what if a student doesn’t tell you what city they live in but you want to have a conversation about it? Tutor Clarice (🇵🇭) suggested, “If a student tells me that they live in Japan, but doesn’t tell me what city or town they live in, I won’t ask, ‘Where in Japan do you live?’ However, I might ask, ‘What is your city like?’ or ‘What are some fun things to do in your city?’”

Tip #4: Don’t Assume Students Will Feel Comfortable Revealing Personal Information

Finally, don’t assume students will feel comfortable revealing personal information. Sometimes, even when they don’t show any signs, they are creeped out on the inside. This is because they don’t always know how to respond when asked uncomfortable questions.

One reason for this is that some learners haven’t yet developed the language skills to put together a sentence like, “I don’t really feel comfortable answering this question.” Others just feel shocked that they’re being asked such a question at all and don’t know how to respond.

Yet others may think that it’s possible that they misunderstood. Some complaints from students include phrases like, “If it’s my misunderstanding, I’m sorry.” In other words, the student may be confused about what happened.

A good way to avoid such situations altogether is to not ask anything personal unless the student brings it up first. As Tutor Asja (🇧🇦) put it, “if a student doesn’t bring up their job, marital status, or city of residence in their self-introduction, I don’t ask them about it.” Similarly, if they give vague or very short responses when you ask about these topics, don’t follow-up.

Our Tutor Support (TS) team recommends focusing follow-up questions on the students’ hobbies. Even if a student says she has three kids and is married, that doesn’t mean we should ask how old her kids are or what her husband does. Our TS staff have reviewed recordings of lessons where tutors do this (understandably) only to find that students’ mood soured right after.

📌 Takeaways

To sum up, here are four easy tips that can prevent students from suspecting us of being creeps:

1. Stick to the students’ requests and don’t steer the conversation towards personal topics
2. Don’t question the student’s life choices
3. Ask general questions
4. Don’t assume students will be comfortable answering any personal questions

Finally, students can be creepy too, and it can be hard to know how to respond, so stay tuned for a post on common situations online tutors should be wary of.

In the meantime, if something a student says or does makes you feel uncomfortable, reach out to Tutor Support immediately through the widget on the lower right:

The policy for contacting Tutor Support is as follows:

Please report any inappropriate behavior during the class to TS while the class is ongoing. If this is not possible, you should report the situation as soon as possible and send the class link and screenshot of the lesson. (Special Scenarios article)

Sending the class link and any evidence of inappropriate behavior is essential. Without it, our staff will not be able to take action (i.e. give the student a warning or terminate their account). Feel free to reach out to Tutor Support if you have any questions or concerns.

And in the meantime, happy tutoring!